Emotional Incest: When children take up roles of romantic partners

As a parent, having a close relationship with your child is essential.

However, you should draw a line in the sand when you begin treating them as if they were your romantic partner, acting as your therapist, sex, or relationship advisor.

Some children are expected to grow up faster than they should to cater to their parents' emotional needs. This happens because their family dynamics are imbalanced.

WHAT IS EMOTIONAL INCEST?

Soony Wendy, a Counselor working with the Kenya Redcross describes Emotional Incest as a situation where a child is overly responsible for their parent's emotional needs, like acting as an advisor and close confidant, which ultimately deprives them of their emotional needs. The child in this case, is referred to as a surrogate spouse.

Most children who experience it fail to put a word to it.

Emotional incest is most likely to occur when family dynamics are enmeshed, common in families where a parent is divorced, widowed, abusing drugs, or when there is domestic violence in the home.

WHEN A CHILD MAY BE SUBJECT TO EMOTIONAL INCEST

According to Soony: “These roles can include being asked to act as the protector of the home when the father is absent, especially in male children. Some children are responsible for caring for other siblings to lessen the parent’s burdens because they are considered more mature and responsible."

Male and female children become the protector or the nurturer consecutively in such a family dynamic.

"Family roles become enmeshed, whereby family dynamics are imbalanced and vaguely defined,” Soony says.

The counselor asserts that surrogate spouses tend to become people pleasers; they find it hard to say no because boundaries are non-existent in such a child-parent dynamic.

She also notes that they may experience anxiety because they worry about situations they have no control over. For instance, when a parent is in an abusive marriage, the child cannot do much to try and save the parent from such a situation.

"They also tend to feel anxious or worried about things they cannot control because they feel as if they have to ensure that the parent is well catered for," Soony says.

Surrogate spouses tend to realize the impact emotional incest had on their lives later since they do not quite comprehend it during their childhood.

"It is only later when the child becomes an adult that they realise that their needs were disregarded because they focused on the parent's needs," she adds.

DOWNSIDES OF BEING A SURROGATE SPOUSE

In such a child-parent relationship dynamic, children miss out on their childhood since they spend time trying to fulfil roles meant for a romantic partner.

There is a high chance that the surrogate spouse may opt to fill the gaps that came as a result of being neglected. Therefore, they may resort to drugs or even have depressive symptoms like suicidal thoughts to try and find ways to cope and numb the pain.

Soony says that the child could eventually find themselves getting sexually attracted to older people.

"Emotional incest can affect the sexual identity of the surrogate spouse when they become an adult because they grew up catering to the needs of the parent who is way older than them. This makes them get attracted to partners who are way older than them," Soony states.

Additionally, she notes that surrogate spouses may experience identity confusion.

EFFECTS ON SURROGATE SPOUSE’S RELATIONSHIPS

Even though emotional incest occurs in children, Soony says that it can extend towards adulthood, as they could find themselves carrying the trauma they acquired from the situation to their romantic relationships.

She further links this occurrence to ‘parentification trauma’, which refers to the adverse effects emotional incest could have on the child once they reach adulthood.

According to the counselor, sometimes being a surrogate spouse does not stop when one becomes an adult.

“The connection a child forms with the first caregiver can negatively impact the child's attachment styles once they become an adult, especially if there was neglect."

Additionally, Soony says that the surrogate spouse may attract a codependent relationship, as that they end up prioritising the needs of their partner above theirs. She attributes codependency to the surrogate spouse's lack of self-identity and autonomy because they grew up focusing on the parent’s identity instead of their own.

"There is a high probability that in a romantic relationship, the surrogate spouse may focus more on the other partner's feelings and needs, hence neglecting their own, which makes them the giver and their partner the taker," she notes.

"Their sense of self-worth and self-esteem is overly dependent on the other person, which can make them susceptible to being taken advantage of.”

The surrogate spouse may opt to apologise when conflicts occur to avoid them and do things they may find uncomfortable to please the partner.

HOW TO AVOID TURNING CHILDREN INTO SURROGATE SPOUSES

"A parent talking to a child is not a bad thing, but there need to be boundaries in what the parent discloses to the child and determine whether they are age-appropriate," Soony says.

She advises parents to refrain from involving their children in their issues excessively and find healthier ways to confront them instead of turning to their children for advice.

“Instead of turning to your child for relationship advice, normalize talking to your friends and family or seek therapy," she advises.

She further adds that the parent should realise that their problems have little to do with their children, so they should leave them out of their issues.

Soony recommends parents to embrace unlearning and learning patterns to avoid transferring their childhood traumas to their children, noting that some parents may subject their children to emotional incest if they experienced it too in their childhood.

"If the parent takes the time to be aware of how much the parenting styles of your parents affected you, then you can be more intentional in healing from it, to avoid transferring the childhood trauma to your children," Soony urges.

It is crucial to allow your child to grow in a healthy environment, hence parents should consider listening to their children more than they speak to them.

BREAKING FREE FROM BEING A SURROGATE SPOUSE

Soony suggests that victims take feedback from their loved ones because they could inform them of various ways they may have experienced emotional incest while growing up.

She further notes that the child should practice self-reflection to identify ways in which the situation affected them mentally, noting that it can help the surrogate spouse trace back some prevalent toxic behaviors to their childhood.

"The trauma was not your fault, but the healing is your responsibility," Soony states.

The counselor advises people to be intentional in prioritising their mental well-being by seeking therapy to help them deal with childhood traumas or to help them learn healthy coping mechanisms.