How to tell if you are dating or married to an abuser

How can you tell you are married or are dating an abusive person? Most times women and men find themselves in the arms of an abuser, and most times they have no idea how they got there or how to get out.

Research has shown that signs of an abusive spouse or lover are usually visible from the onset of the relationship; all it takes is an educated or keen eye to reveal what lies underneath a charming exterior.

Speaking to Citizen TV’s Monday Special show, Dr Oscar Githua, a forensic psychologist, said that new lovers often ignore the subtle signs of abuse exhibited by their love interests at the onset.

“We need to pay attention to the push, the shove, the abusive word and other subtle abusive behaviours that later turn out to be disastrous,” he said.

According to research, some of the most common signs of abuse include:

  1. Controlling partner

If your partner is controlling and wants to know where you are at all times that is a warning sign.

According to Dr Githua, if someone keeps ‘checking up on you’ they might just be trying to find out where you are.

“I was involved in a case where someone had a phone on all day even when at work so they could hear who their spouse was talking to and where they were. That’s not love, that is something else,” he said.

  1. Verbally violent

Someone who can threaten you by saying ‘I’m going to kill you’, or ‘I’m going to beat you up’ are dangerous, according to Dr Githua.

One day, they might just do it.

  1. Isolation

Isolation is one of the most unknown signs of an abusive personality.

According to Dr Githua, if you are with someone and you find that you spend most of your time with him/her and almost no time with your family or any of your friends, that is a red flag.

“That person is isolating you in order to create a small world where they’re your god and you’re their all,” he said.

  1. Possessiveness

If you notice a person is being too possessive of you and refuses to share you with friends and family, that is also a red flag.

How then can one escape an abusive partner?

According to Dr Githua, the best way to escape an abuser is to strengthen your support systems such as parents and friends, especially those who speak rationally to you.

“Lets get back to the basics of family and friends, and not those who are always on your side no matter what you do, but those who speak rationally to you. Those who can tell you ‘he’s not allowed you to speak to me for the last three months,’” he said

Another way to escape an abuser according to Dr Githua is to speak to law enforcement.

When someone hits you or harasses you they are committing a crime and should face the law.

“Once you’ve been shoved or you’ve been hit, there are statutes in the law that talk about violence and harassment, you can even get restraining orders from people,” he said.

One thing to note, however, is that when you finally decide to leave an abuser you shouldn’t let them know that you’re leaving

This is the time when you’re most vulnerable and can get seriously hurt or killed. What you need to do is to leave and go to someone who can protect you.

“If you tell them you’re leaving that’s when their anger gets pent up and they plan to attack you, but if you just leave go to someone who can protect you,” said Dr Githua.

Tags:

domestic abuse abuse

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